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Suicide Prevention, Marjo’s take.

Posted on 10. Sep, 2013 by admin in Mots et Mystères | No Comments

Here’s the thing. Today, I’m having a truly crap day.
Oh, I look like I have a charmed life, I’m sure. The ark, the zouzou, the awesome and eccentric friends, being in love with the sound of this music that I’ve discovered, the great office in Blue Sea, the fantastic coffee machine…But really.   It’s all smoke and mirrors.  It can get pretty dark over here.

Here’s the thing: when you think it’s enough and you’ve had enough, wait, stop: cool it. I’m not joking.   Do some tidying. Learn the clarinet. Surf around, have a bag of apples. Because I’m here to tell you that when you think it’s enough, if you wait, it gets better. And if you wait long enough, it gets worse. That’s the amazing part. You think you can’t handle it any more, that this is mind-blowingly the worse time of your life, and then it GETS WORSE!!!

Not being funny here: it will get better. Then it’ll get worse, way worse, and then better, WAY BETTER. It’s like your dynamic range increases on both ends. And you’ll learn that there are ways to handle things and that you’re not alone in this hell place in your head. You’re not. I thought I was. I wasn’t.

What am I trying to say? I’m saying that in case of doubt, hang in there. We people in recovery say “this too shall pass”. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. Nothing lasts forever. That crap day I’m having, it’ll change at some point.

Oh, you’ll have scars, very certainly. But imagine how good you’ll be at understanding where others are coming from.

Thing is, it  gets AMAZINGLY better too.  You see, without those amazingly crap days, you wouldn’t be as fantastic as you are.  Oh, you’re thinking well, I’m not great, I actually deserve this crap.  Nope. It takes a very special, tuned-in kind of person to live through those crap days and not pass out from the awfulness.  And then you’re on the other side of it.  There’s ALWAYS an other side, believe me.
If you’re young still, let me tell you.  You WILL find love, you WILL.   Even wilder, love will find YOU.  You WILL find your place.  Your place, your own place in the world.  Keep your head down, keep at it.  Both these things I was absolutely certain were not for me.  But I have had a taste of both.  Many times.  I was ABSOLUTELY convinced that nobody would love me and that I’d never find a place to be.  Wrong.

But you can’t find out unless you let time go by.  And now at my advanced age, I still have to stop myself and remember that this is what I thought back then when I was 14, 24, 34, 44…  You’ll go through many cycles of joy and loss.  Today, not the top of the cycle..

If you’re reading this with some need, that means that your life probably won’t be a long and quiet river.   You’ll hurt hard, but you have proven that you can handle hurt and the joys will be just as powerful.

Suicide.  It’s so final.  It’s come across my mind at a number of points in my life.  When I was 18, my best friend committed suicide.  We never saw it coming.  She had no idea how to go on, she had no idea either of how much better things would get.

That ark of mine?  Most of those instruments I play joyfully, but equally most of those instruments have stories attached that have to do with rough times in my life.  Before I die, I’ll learn the clarinet.  The baritone, the sitar.  I’m not saying ‘woe is me’.  I’m saying death is inevitable.  Let it happen when it’s good and ready.  Until then, amuse yourself.  I pray at the altar of music.  You have, I’m sure an altar of your own.

Ah and my last piece: call me. Or write, text, whatever you want. I’ll distract you. I’ll even take a look at your scars.
And I’ll listen. Tell me how it is. How it is that good people get crap stuff thrown at them and lazy nasty people never do. And we’ll have a cry.
And then coffee. Of course.
And I’ll show you my orange t-shirt. It’ll get better. That, I can promise.
Be gentle with yourself and know that you’re not alone. Not with me around.

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